On still finding my voice at thirty five

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I’ve spent a lot of my life caring too much about what people think of me

I’ve worried about giving my family a bad name, or being a bad example to my brothers and other younger people. I worried about being a ‘bad testimony’ when I was an active evangelical Christian, that somehow my words and actions might tarnish a non-believer’s perception of my faith. 

And so it’s been in my programming for a long time to be a people-pleaser. To say the words I know are the 'right’ words say; to be seen to like the things I should like to portray a certain image; and to perform the actions that are expected of me, in order to convince people that I am the person that I say I am.

When you’re constantly trying to be all the ‘right’ things for any number of people, you tend to lose sight of who and what you actually are.

One of the biggest drawing factors about working in kitchens, is the lack of bullshit. You can certainly try to be someone that you’re not, but that quickly crumbles in the middle of a fast and heated service. The intense pressure that you are under, along with the absolute precision that is required of you brings out the best and the worst things in your character. Sometimes, you learn things about yourself that you were never even aware of.

After more than ten years working in kitchens and much unraveling, I can say that finding myself and my voice will be a lifelong journey, and I’m OK with that. The only people whose opinions I care about are the ones I love. I am also confident that the ones I love will continue to love me regardless of what I do or say. 

I have promised myself that I will not stop speaking my truth and speaking truth to the things that are important. I will not shut up about climate change and the importance of sustainability, I will not be told to pipe down about social injustice and inequality and I will continue to stand up and speak for those who can’t or don’t have the privilege to do so.

I’m still finding my voice, but whatever stutters I make in the process, I hope to put to good use.